Wednesday, November 30, 2011


i hate it when the words come so late...but, here they are. so here iam.  have you ever been humbled? jeez lois this past few years i have.  i have been through some things that realy i thought only happened on lifetime movies. really. it at times even makes me shake my head in wonderment! chris lost/ got laid off from his job monday. crap. craptastic. crapola. CRAP. 3 kids no job...oh my. i had just written about faith and blah blah blah, and he called to tell me about being laid off. man alive i tell ya what. i cried briefly...elijah caught me. so right then and there i knew no more. i had to toughen up. Im the example they will go by. if i fear so will i put on my game face and trudged on. kinda.  i told T i loved him ,,,very much and prayed. asked for prayer and prayed some more..then i wonder ok...whats next. this is where the humble bit plays. i had to think long term...all the what ifs. now i know Gods not gonna let us starve and be without shelter..but, im not dumb either..he gave me a we began looking at all the resources we might need. so you know that at least 15 out of 100 people use food pantries to fill gaps in income... do you know that right now there are families that both have jobs but, there wages are so low that they have to have assistance in feeding there families.  if you don't know this...THEN WAKE THE HECK UP AND TAKE OFF YOUR DARN BLINDERS. the world ain't so pretty right now.  and guess what..not just one president caused this
ok so im off my soap box.
we have had people donate to Zeke for the bake sale...some angels gave us tickets to the Christmas Train...C&E...we love you...we had friends give us hundreds ..yes hundreds of $ to help us with whatever we needed.theses friends< they were /are in a storm of their own!! .  the list is huge...really huge. i wish i could repay them all in some form...i will someday..and its not just the donations...its the friendship and love that is unreal..sometimes you look at your life and wonder where your friends are...well, its hard to see them ...cause they are the ones holding you up.
chris went to school tonight and found out he has a job!! PTL! AMEN. so we start another new chapter tomorrow..hang on folks this is gonna be fun!!!

Monday, November 28, 2011


have you ever woke up and felt Gods hand on you? peace in your heart?  I have.. only a handful of times.. i know he is ever present...but, i have had a few God moments. one was in the drive thru..i know...his timing is weird. we had been to the dr and were expected to lose Zeke... and God told me he would be ok.
we had a little rattle,a hitch in our giddup last week. it was actually a huge bump... something that the court had ordered ( I cant go into full detail...privacy for a certain someone) had gone in our favor...big time. but, in the end of the good thing someone recommended something that would destroy and possible put the boys in harms way. I was floored at how this person could say how unhealthy  a person is yet open the doors to the possibility to allowing them to harm kids.. the devil was busy that day. my head was spinning...i couldn't even  cry... i was on the verge so many times. i just kept imagining what this was going to do to E and N. now what.
well, here is what. GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD. i prayed prayed and prayed some more. im a total control when control is taken away i  panic.. why do i do this to myself?? im such a dork. i forget that Gods got this i forget that he has the plan already written out.. i just need to endure and listen...cause who else made the stars and calls them by their name!?
i keep being thrown these curve balls. im not to sure why yet. i can feel my FAITh growing  stretching pulling and being moved in more ways than i can handle at times. but, the really cool thing is the one who is stretching me to the point of breaking  at also holding me. molding me and making me a better me. and he is my best cheerleader in life...he tells me keep running ..keep going cause when your feet fail you...I NEVER WILL.

EXODUS 33:14


Sunday, November 20, 2011

a fast weekend...

so its not so often we get just to just sit and be...i often wonder what God would say to me?????... I know we are supposed to be still and know. how do those who are still get to be still?? raising monkeys is a tough job. a great job. a blessing.but, a very very all consuming job. then you throw in work, church ,school, army duties, and home duties.  we were at our couples class at church friday night and T said a way that he would feel loved would to be given time to just "be".  I didn't make sense to me...i have pretty much given up on thoughts of me just is not in the cards for me right selfish of me to forget that just because i don't need it he doesn't. he works goes to school and armies  :) i after laughing ..alot...about this. now feel bad. i forgot that he to needs alone how in the world will i remedy this..i have yet to figure it out..maybe take the monkeys to the store with me...that's at least 2 hrs..gonna try it..he needs it. he deserves it. not many go from single to 3 kids in 2 years! wow he is brave.

on Saturday we took the day off ( kinda i was in a parade that am)  and stilly.  what fun. Elijah was stoked. he thought we were going to branson. poor kid needs a vacation just as bad as we do.  we had some good grub at Bad Brads bbq, showed the boys the football field and the campus. showed them Ts old apartment and work  and boomer lake, went to see Miss Katie!!! we love some yummy coffee. i think Elijahs highlight was going to the laundry mat to do a breathing treatment. lol yup we did.. gotta do what ya gotta do.

church was was about stop being a brat ! ha funny.Pastor Toby even flopped around in the floor as a demo..a bit safer than riding the bike around the people...and dunking his head in the baptistery.. something i really didn't think we would discuss at Church..but, we all really need to grow up and man up don't we.  we preach at our kids to stop whining..yet when we are given something we flop around and say i me???

it was a good weekend it went to fast and I'm not looking forward to our little/big family being spread from here to there this week. i really like all my baby birds being in one spot. daddy bird too. we have alot to be thankful for and I'm going to find some time to be still even if its just 5 minutes. i think i can i think i can..

blessings to you.

Galatians 1:10
am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I  trying to please the people? If I were still trying to please people I would not be a servant of Christ.

Friday, November 18, 2011

court and x and a couple of boys....

all week i have ran tittles in my head..what to share what not to share..whats to much? whats to little..who will read this? will they tell things on me? will they think I'm foolish? so tonight I'm sitting hear full of thoughts and overwhelmed by all the words i need to say. writing this is a form of therapy of sorts for me.
we have had and insane week . 3 sick boyz, a daddy working and going to school , a mommy ran here and there and everywhere..only to begin again monday.

to begin, we had court. I'm just going to tell it like it is. its ugly, but, honest. if you don't believe me i invite you to get the docket info. i implore you to come to court, you can go over the multitude of emails i deal with sometimes over and over and over in a day. it can be all consuming.  i agreed kinda to allowing him to pay me when he receives an EOB ( estimate of benefits) from insurance. well the developmental pediatrician we use has some expenses that are not covered by insurance. so that man i was married to doesn't want to pay those expenses...until he gets an eob. there will never be an eob. nice. !@#%!$@!   he also doesn't like the dev. ped. therapist...E loves her..trusts her and is slowly making eye contact and talks with her...tells her his past..and his now...little bits at a time. he goes in by himself...its tough..he worries and frets without me. we are learning to separate slowly..but, his anxiety over this is hard. and heartbreaking. every mom wants her babies to soar..find life and friends and always know they are safe to roam. Because of the life i chose for us for so long my baby bird is a scared baby, a worrier...and my fierce protector.IF YOU ARE IN A BAD abusive or turbulent  RELATIONSHIP ...DO NOT FOR ONE MINUTE THINK YOUR CHILD IS SMALL AND IT WONT HAVE AN AFFECT ON THEM. IT WILL. IT WILL.
the (x) wanted her fired...she called him out...he said she didn't communicate with him..she has..i have paid the majority of that bill..and will pay the rest on monday. she told him to make an appointment to go over things..he didn't..she told him to bring toys that were on e and n level..he didn't ..he lied about what he brought to play with...she said he was a liar..and she says how do  you council a liar?  he wanted her fired!!!!!!!!! he didn't care that she has helped elijah...he didn't care that she got e to say hi and look her in the eye..he didn't care that e will give a hug..most of the time and not just look at you and lean his head into you.
so Elijah has his warrior...
we have asked for him to pay my legal fees..since the majority of hearing have been for non payment of this and that...we find out next week. please God...please...
we for once have no upcoming court date...but, as i sit here i know...he will not pay these dr. bills and court will come...i will not give up. i will hold him accountable forever. he has a responsibility...the boys have the right to go to the dr. they have the right to not ever do without. he must take care of them or walkaway all together..we all have choices. man up.
ok so i shared my week.... to much? if i seem out of it this week..this is where my head has been..worried that the boys will not be safe..will not be here for me to comfort..will not be here in the mornings for me to tell them i love them more than tell them I'm sorry that i chose so poorly the first time. to apologize for thinking i could fix him..thinking that i could keep them safe and that i could do  it all be their all..i hate that my choosing him will at some point hurt them even more...i wish i could fix it. for now i will fight like hell and protect them the only way i know how...I WILL FIGHT TILL I DIE.

but if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

the imperfect christian

THE IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: lives in my home, wears my shoes,has blond hair, AND  cant spell for crap. and strives to be perfect. THE IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: sometimes skips out on church..never sits on the front row at church, sits on the front row always, has been known to cuss, burn diner and sometimes have a beer, loves to dance when no one is watching, dances for all to see,preaches at church, leads the choir and teaches sunday school. had a baby in high school, had a baby out of wedlock, gave her baby's up for adoption, is a recovering addict, is an addict, works to much, refuses to work, is poor and on the streets, owns a mansion, gives all their money to charity, never gives to charity,puts off what they can do today, never went to college, has many degrees, dropped out of high school,wants to be a dad, wants to be a mom, cant have babies, forgets birthdays, drives to fast, drives to slow, loves music, rap included,wishes on stars, forgot what is is to dream, married because they asked,married their VERY VERY best friend, loves without restraint, loves with caution,has never loved,wants more, wants less, GETS MAD AT GOD,finds it hard to forgive,holds a grudge,plays on the computer to much,drives while texting,has to many friends, has no friends,

Friday, November 4, 2011

the incredible sale of baked goods!!!!

  1. ok so can you say i love me some lemon bars,whoopie pies and cookies!!! and dont forget Tammy's,Allison,Amara,Sharon's, Stephs,the cake queen,nekia,and Kathy's buddy... oh so yummies!!I KNOW I'M FORGETTING SOMEONE...SO  PLEASE KNOW THANK YOU ALL!! i walk into to the church and Tisha is sitting there surrounded by all sorts of donated bake goods!!!! people who i have NEVER met  donated and loved Zeke... Lori from SWEET SINSATIONS tea room donated about 100 cake balls!!!!! our hearts were over flowing with love... its hard to imagine being in a place where you need help but, ant imagine asking.  our friends filled the gap...filled our cup and have made a way for us to not worry so much.  our trips are VERY EXPENSIVE. our medical is covered by insurance ..but neither one of us have sick or vacation time. the bills come in anyway. We have to pay for all of Chris's travel expenses he rarely can go with me. i need him with me...Zeke needs him. the people who donated have made it possible for Chris to go with me and Zeke..for his next trip... to our sweet friends Chris and Elisabeth who walked up at the end and said "we want to buy whats everything that's left." and we all just stood there dumbfounded...our hearts go out to you...we love and cherish you...  GOD BLESS YOU...

you live you learn and you move on

so i have been kinda flopping or wallering around a bit lately. im sad for things that are no longer and missing things that were. then it hits me...get over it. a friend said to me today that you cant cry to her cause she just doesnt get it... she is not mean... she has just been through it all.. really she has. so get over it. its funny how we miss the things and people we had..(.some of the people) miss your past and the memories of it. its been a weird few years, beacause its been the hardest...damn hardest few years ever in my entire flipping life.and i know my story gets old and my rants are the same...and i know the complaints are the same. BUT its the walk im walking and the day im living. so my friend helped me today and she doesnt even know it! so im gonna suck it up move on. i will no longer go to the ones who hurt me only to continuelly be rejected..i have learned.& lived. these things were a wonderful chapter in my life..wonderful . but, thats just it. that chapter is done... and you dont continuelly read those chapters over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and my point? so im letting go..moving on and i will cherish all of my memories they are a part of who iam smart friend has also said to me... look out your front windshield its huge and has everything you need...dont look in the rearview mirror its small because why look behind you when you have the beautiful new world in front of im moving on not in anger ..not in hast. gratful for what it was and the time it was.. we all grow we all change and it doesnt mean that you have not held a place in my heart. i have many wishes and a few what ifs.
its just now i know what to do... .letting go and moving on.. " A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure. " Sirach 6:14