Tuesday, March 20, 2012

find it hard to believe?

so in this life we are given tests and trials. i have watched so many struggle ...just like us.  we live in a wicked, hard world.  Full of criticism and judgement. we often get all the lines blurred and lost keeping up with the Joneses.  been there done that. i prefer keeping up with the Thompson's these days.  in my previous chaotic life.i didn't listen ..i was to afraid.  if i listened it meant i couldn't do the things i wanted to.so my life was nothing but really sucky moments looped together.  not saying that occasionally it doenst suck now. its just less sucky  :)  so as you know i lost my house. the house that my ex and i built. huge beautiful..lots of room to grow into. i was keeping up with the joneses...competing and proving my worth through my belongings my processions. we divorced. my big house didnt sell . for years. 3 to be exact. i couldn't pay for the house. he refused. we lost it. it finally sold in a short sale this past valentines. my once 814 credit score is now  a negative mark .. so we rent. it takes both of our credit to buy and i have none. soooooo our rent went up on our current digs. alot. we had been looking. we knew we needed to move. our current landlord is a bit lack luster to say the least..2 weeks no oven...not good. so we shopped.  i was in fear of the move. expenses and moving with 3 kids. yuck. so i held MY ground and said we would stay.  on my way to sign the lease i got an email from a realtor that had houses for us to rent..i started to email her from my landlords parking lot..and tell her no thanks. then I changed my mind...walked in to renew the lease and was told of the HUGE jump in Price..and bawcked. only to be called 45 minutes later with this is how much the rent will be for the NEXT tenants and the owner of the house wants you out in 30 day. POOOOOOOP! that didn't go so well. no we were never late and never destructive to this house. ever.  so i called my friend. panicked she said STOP. u told me just yesterday you really needed to move..GOD did this. you were busy being you and wanting what you want and now he has made you listen. you see GOD has been moving mountains in my life yet i still have a hard time listening...so i listened to her. made no more calls and sat in my homelessness  panic. I HAVE 3 KIDS!!!!!!!
     on saturday i was working and talking and still obsessed with the now what. When God answered my now what.  my phone rang...on the other end was this voice...he said my wife and i want to help. are you still looking for a home??? heart pounding i say yes...my friend says..lets go get a house..i say huh? friend says. we want to get a house for you guys...to rent..so lets pick out a house.. yup, your reading this right...so we have spent the last couple of weeks house shopping..looking for what fits us...what fits them. unreal huh! we found a perfect home...they looked and i went for a 2nd look and they bought it.  they close on the19-20 of april...so my silly stubborn humanness needs to shut up..because REALLY does it take being thrown out of a home only to be thrown into a new home to see his works? it shouldn't but, it did.  I was blind but, now i see. there are people that God puts in your path...some to learn from some to teach and some to just love.if you think you are to broken or not worthy...remember..HE made you! he loves you...he doesnt care that you burnt dinner last night  or that you said things that were un kind (ok he does) he just forgives you! so cast it on him...let God carry your burdens and join the rest of us imperfect people!he heals the broken.. I'm grateful for all the things he constantly gives me and also for those things i don't have anymore...

Friday, March 16, 2012

being still and being silent..

so it has been awhile since i have put anything on here. trust me its not for lack of words...maybe a lack of time. no not really any of those things. my mind has been in turmoil...my anger and frustration had come to a boiling point in December.   my mind had been taken over with all the chaos that had consumed our life.  i had to take time and sit. heal. move on..move forward. regroup.  so much had been lost over the past few years but, so much had also been gained. it wasn't until my head was ready to pop from all the yuck that i heard God and listened. he has told me lots in my life i just didn't always listen.  it was after a visitation one Sunday that my daddy took me sternly by the shoulders and said "stop it".."stop hating him"  "it is poison to you and your babies and your marriage".  It was like a wall slamming into my face. my dad said he had been praying for me...for me to stop hating the "other" the things he had done were hate worthy but, the poison was seeping into me. not him. dumb girl.  so i let go. not all at once. and yes it creeps in some. but, it is not all consuming anymore.  i no longer bite back when he is caustic..i  keep my records. i state my point and i do not verbally fight back with him. i have typed lots lots and lots of emails than delete them before i send them..
    so your wondering what my point..why tell the world of my craziness. here goes. during this time of being silent..we have all been very sick. zekes been in the hospital..we have lost our lease on our home..noah has had hallucinations from the tamiflu, my mom became horribly ill,our washer died, our cat needs a new home, the other was a bigger pain than normal and i had to endure a counseling session with him.chris drives 2 hrs for work a day..
   ok so zeke is healthy and talking alot more, we have a new home guaranteed to be ours for the next 3 years that was a complete and total God thing..noah will heal,we got a new improved washer, my mom being sick brought my sister and i closer,and the other is giving up his rights for T to adopt the boys.
   I'm sure Noah wasn't completely silent while on the smelly ark. and i betcha Mary had some words for God in taking her son.and we all know about Job...i have not been forsaken. my silence has been heard and most definitely answered. sometimes its just what it is.. nothing more nothing less. but its all for the good . and it is all good.all God. all the time. so i may have to take a moment hear and there and just listen to the silence to hear my heart..to hear his words and become strong again. but, man this life is so do able..so good .

"Humble yourselves,therefore,under Gods mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7