Monday, April 9, 2012

wasnt gonna say all this.. but i need unfriend me if you must.

ok so many of you know writing for me is a form of therapy...something that at times pours out of me. i NEED to write this its screaming to get out of me . yet, how so i write the words i cannot speak. if i write what is killing my heart will the ones i have left leave as well. part of me thinks if they do so be it. i have always felt that if you dont speak of something you have done in order to keep it amongst yourselves that is as bad as lying...its like lying by omission.  i have lived my life in the past 3 years more purely..NOT PERFECTLY... but in constant seeking of  God words..not mans approval but doing what I know is required of me by Gods law. WARNING....READ NO FURTHER IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE UNFRIENDING ME. JUST GO AHEAD AND DO SO NOW.

On a thursday morning that has changed so much for me.. i entered my child's daycare. spoke with many whom i have considered friends and have loved so much. took my time getting around and speaking to all i encountered. my sons class was at one end of the building but, they were playing in another room. i took one of my kids to his class and went to drop the diapers off in the others class. i wanted to spend the last few moments with him and didn't want to drop him off to only watch me pass his doors again and break his heart.upon entering his class room i noticed a child. alone. left. no adult supervision. a SMALL child. at first i thought ...nahhhh no way. then i realized. yes. yes this was happening. i scooped the child up comforted and loved on this child and carried the child to the head of the daycare. whom was sitting in an empty classroom visiting with a friend/parent. i gave the child to her and told her what had happened. she called the teachers in and wrote them up.  THIS IS IMPORTANT. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE TEACHER!!!! LOVE HER!!!!! SHE MADE AN HONEST MISTAKE. SHE CAME TO ME APOLOGIZED AND HAD TEARS IN HER EYES. I WAS PROUD OF HER AND HOW SHE HANDLED THE SITUATION. SHE IS HUMAN.
here comes the wrong part. i asked the director. now what. i said i wanted the parent informed. i was told she wasn't sure if that was going to take place. she said she would ask her dhs worker what she needed to do. we spoke 2 times on the phone..same thing. i said i wanted the parent told.  i prayed..and prayed for GOD to lead me. its not about the grownups...its about the kids. i was lead.i waited till 3 pm and called dhs to see if they had made a report. like they said they would. they had not. the voice on the other end informed me if i was involved with the incident and didnt report it ...i could be in trouble as well. we are in the middle of chris adopting the boys. I WILL NOT PROTECT ANYONE ANYONE OVER THE SAFETY OF MY BABIES. SORRY. NO ACTUALLY I'M NOT. i told the worker  all i knew. i also told of other issues. because a half truth is a lie as well.
now i live with the choice i made. i have lost my children's daycare cause i wouldn't lie about turning them in..i lost friends that i loved.and clients that were a part of my life...people that have never even asked my side.but who have chosen to believe someone that is vicious. i lost my church. my church as i type that the tears flow . my church. i will not go into all the details of this..i wont. i saw something in someone that broke my heart. not my spirit but, my heart. and now someone. a very specific someone is trashing me. i don't get it. all i did was tell the truth.
i will do it a 100 times over. my babies come first. there are churches on every corner...and a bible in my bookcase. we will rise and become more beautiful from this. i will not stand silent anymore..and just as you old me no weapons formed against you shall prosper. ditto i will make new friends...i will have new clients..i will find a church home..and i will survive this..the scars we wear from our lives HERE ON EARTH.. shine like stars on us in heaven. so come on and watch me SHINE.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

the least of these

i find it odd where sometimes it feels like you are in a never ending story...where one thing after another happens. is it just circumstance or is it FAITH being tested. i have found myself in the midst of a tornado..a whirlwind of events. life changing.  there was something that happened something that was a human error..AND I AM SO HUMAN AND MY HUMAN SKIN IS VERY THIN AND FLAWED. by no means do i EVER EVER proclaim myself perfect. the error that occurred involved those that we are in charge of...those who cannot speak nor care for themselves and in a few hours time i was forced to make a decision that hurt more than many of the hurts that have happened in the past few years.
much much more.  you know in your heart of hearts your decision is the right one..made by Gods law and mans law..but could end many good things in your life and can altar the opinion of you that many have...simply because there is always 2 sides to every story.  Those who know me know my heart and know where i stand and how  i feel about the tiniest of things.  i have never proclaimed to have much knowledge of the Bible and I never will . there are a few things that i do know and this is the one i live my life by  MATTHEW 25 ;45 "HE WILL REPLY,' TRULY I TELL YOU, WHATEVER YOU DID NOT DO FOR ONE OF THE LEAST OF THESE, YOU DID NOT DO FOR ME.'     how true is this statement... we can apply it to so many things in our lives,,the poor, the elderly, a child, a single parent.  we all have to live with the respect of our brothers and sisters and live with our actions. always make sure the when we stand in heaven that we can say i did what was best for others,,it may have only been a few others..maybe 1 other..but at least it was the best you could do. hopefully time heals and light is shed on the dark spots..and our Faith is ever growing..because i know my God is the maker the healer the light in the dark the calm in a storm and the voice and words i live by...  Malachi 4:2  But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness Will rise with healing in its wings.    AMEN!