Monday, April 9, 2012

wasnt gonna say all this.. but i need unfriend me if you must.

ok so many of you know writing for me is a form of therapy...something that at times pours out of me. i NEED to write this its screaming to get out of me . yet, how so i write the words i cannot speak. if i write what is killing my heart will the ones i have left leave as well. part of me thinks if they do so be it. i have always felt that if you dont speak of something you have done in order to keep it amongst yourselves that is as bad as lying...its like lying by omission.  i have lived my life in the past 3 years more purely..NOT PERFECTLY... but in constant seeking of  God words..not mans approval but doing what I know is required of me by Gods law. WARNING....READ NO FURTHER IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE UNFRIENDING ME. JUST GO AHEAD AND DO SO NOW.

On a thursday morning that has changed so much for me.. i entered my child's daycare. spoke with many whom i have considered friends and have loved so much. took my time getting around and speaking to all i encountered. my sons class was at one end of the building but, they were playing in another room. i took one of my kids to his class and went to drop the diapers off in the others class. i wanted to spend the last few moments with him and didn't want to drop him off to only watch me pass his doors again and break his heart.upon entering his class room i noticed a child. alone. left. no adult supervision. a SMALL child. at first i thought ...nahhhh no way. then i realized. yes. yes this was happening. i scooped the child up comforted and loved on this child and carried the child to the head of the daycare. whom was sitting in an empty classroom visiting with a friend/parent. i gave the child to her and told her what had happened. she called the teachers in and wrote them up.  THIS IS IMPORTANT. I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE TEACHER!!!! LOVE HER!!!!! SHE MADE AN HONEST MISTAKE. SHE CAME TO ME APOLOGIZED AND HAD TEARS IN HER EYES. I WAS PROUD OF HER AND HOW SHE HANDLED THE SITUATION. SHE IS HUMAN.
here comes the wrong part. i asked the director. now what. i said i wanted the parent informed. i was told she wasn't sure if that was going to take place. she said she would ask her dhs worker what she needed to do. we spoke 2 times on the phone..same thing. i said i wanted the parent told.  i prayed..and prayed for GOD to lead me. its not about the grownups...its about the kids. i was lead.i waited till 3 pm and called dhs to see if they had made a report. like they said they would. they had not. the voice on the other end informed me if i was involved with the incident and didnt report it ...i could be in trouble as well. we are in the middle of chris adopting the boys. I WILL NOT PROTECT ANYONE ANYONE OVER THE SAFETY OF MY BABIES. SORRY. NO ACTUALLY I'M NOT. i told the worker  all i knew. i also told of other issues. because a half truth is a lie as well.
now i live with the choice i made. i have lost my children's daycare cause i wouldn't lie about turning them in..i lost friends that i loved.and clients that were a part of my life...people that have never even asked my side.but who have chosen to believe someone that is vicious. i lost my church. my church as i type that the tears flow . my church. i will not go into all the details of this..i wont. i saw something in someone that broke my heart. not my spirit but, my heart. and now someone. a very specific someone is trashing me. i don't get it. all i did was tell the truth.
i will do it a 100 times over. my babies come first. there are churches on every corner...and a bible in my bookcase. we will rise and become more beautiful from this. i will not stand silent anymore..and just as you old me no weapons formed against you shall prosper. ditto i will make new friends...i will have new clients..i will find a church home..and i will survive this..the scars we wear from our lives HERE ON EARTH.. shine like stars on us in heaven. so come on and watch me SHINE.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

the least of these

i find it odd where sometimes it feels like you are in a never ending story...where one thing after another happens. is it just circumstance or is it FAITH being tested. i have found myself in the midst of a tornado..a whirlwind of events. life changing.  there was something that happened something that was a human error..AND I AM SO HUMAN AND MY HUMAN SKIN IS VERY THIN AND FLAWED. by no means do i EVER EVER proclaim myself perfect. the error that occurred involved those that we are in charge of...those who cannot speak nor care for themselves and in a few hours time i was forced to make a decision that hurt more than many of the hurts that have happened in the past few years.
much much more.  you know in your heart of hearts your decision is the right one..made by Gods law and mans law..but could end many good things in your life and can altar the opinion of you that many have...simply because there is always 2 sides to every story.  Those who know me know my heart and know where i stand and how  i feel about the tiniest of things.  i have never proclaimed to have much knowledge of the Bible and I never will . there are a few things that i do know and this is the one i live my life by  MATTHEW 25 ;45 "HE WILL REPLY,' TRULY I TELL YOU, WHATEVER YOU DID NOT DO FOR ONE OF THE LEAST OF THESE, YOU DID NOT DO FOR ME.'     how true is this statement... we can apply it to so many things in our lives,,the poor, the elderly, a child, a single parent.  we all have to live with the respect of our brothers and sisters and live with our actions. always make sure the when we stand in heaven that we can say i did what was best for others,,it may have only been a few others..maybe 1 other..but at least it was the best you could do. hopefully time heals and light is shed on the dark spots..and our Faith is ever growing..because i know my God is the maker the healer the light in the dark the calm in a storm and the voice and words i live by...  Malachi 4:2  But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness Will rise with healing in its wings.    AMEN!                                

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

find it hard to believe?

so in this life we are given tests and trials. i have watched so many struggle ...just like us.  we live in a wicked, hard world.  Full of criticism and judgement. we often get all the lines blurred and lost keeping up with the Joneses.  been there done that. i prefer keeping up with the Thompson's these days.  in my previous chaotic life.i didn't listen ..i was to afraid.  if i listened it meant i couldn't do the things i wanted my life was nothing but really sucky moments looped together.  not saying that occasionally it doenst suck now. its just less sucky  :)  so as you know i lost my house. the house that my ex and i built. huge beautiful..lots of room to grow into. i was keeping up with the joneses...competing and proving my worth through my belongings my processions. we divorced. my big house didnt sell . for years. 3 to be exact. i couldn't pay for the house. he refused. we lost it. it finally sold in a short sale this past valentines. my once 814 credit score is now  a negative mark .. so we rent. it takes both of our credit to buy and i have none. soooooo our rent went up on our current digs. alot. we had been looking. we knew we needed to move. our current landlord is a bit lack luster to say the least..2 weeks no oven...not good. so we shopped.  i was in fear of the move. expenses and moving with 3 kids. yuck. so i held MY ground and said we would stay.  on my way to sign the lease i got an email from a realtor that had houses for us to rent..i started to email her from my landlords parking lot..and tell her no thanks. then I changed my mind...walked in to renew the lease and was told of the HUGE jump in Price..and bawcked. only to be called 45 minutes later with this is how much the rent will be for the NEXT tenants and the owner of the house wants you out in 30 day. POOOOOOOP! that didn't go so well. no we were never late and never destructive to this house. ever.  so i called my friend. panicked she said STOP. u told me just yesterday you really needed to move..GOD did this. you were busy being you and wanting what you want and now he has made you listen. you see GOD has been moving mountains in my life yet i still have a hard time i listened to her. made no more calls and sat in my homelessness  panic. I HAVE 3 KIDS!!!!!!!
     on saturday i was working and talking and still obsessed with the now what. When God answered my now what.  my phone rang...on the other end was this voice...he said my wife and i want to help. are you still looking for a home??? heart pounding i say friend says..lets go get a house..i say huh? friend says. we want to get a house for you lets pick out a house.. yup, your reading this we have spent the last couple of weeks house shopping..looking for what fits us...what fits them. unreal huh! we found a perfect home...they looked and i went for a 2nd look and they bought it.  they close on the19-20 of my silly stubborn humanness needs to shut up..because REALLY does it take being thrown out of a home only to be thrown into a new home to see his works? it shouldn't but, it did.  I was blind but, now i see. there are people that God puts in your path...some to learn from some to teach and some to just love.if you think you are to broken or not worthy...remember..HE made you! he loves you...he doesnt care that you burnt dinner last night  or that you said things that were un kind (ok he does) he just forgives you! so cast it on him...let God carry your burdens and join the rest of us imperfect people!he heals the broken.. I'm grateful for all the things he constantly gives me and also for those things i don't have anymore...

Friday, March 16, 2012

being still and being silent..

so it has been awhile since i have put anything on here. trust me its not for lack of words...maybe a lack of time. no not really any of those things. my mind has been in anger and frustration had come to a boiling point in December.   my mind had been taken over with all the chaos that had consumed our life.  i had to take time and sit. heal. move on..move forward. regroup.  so much had been lost over the past few years but, so much had also been gained. it wasn't until my head was ready to pop from all the yuck that i heard God and listened. he has told me lots in my life i just didn't always listen.  it was after a visitation one Sunday that my daddy took me sternly by the shoulders and said "stop it".."stop hating him"  "it is poison to you and your babies and your marriage".  It was like a wall slamming into my face. my dad said he had been praying for me...for me to stop hating the "other" the things he had done were hate worthy but, the poison was seeping into me. not him. dumb girl.  so i let go. not all at once. and yes it creeps in some. but, it is not all consuming anymore.  i no longer bite back when he is caustic..i  keep my records. i state my point and i do not verbally fight back with him. i have typed lots lots and lots of emails than delete them before i send them..
    so your wondering what my point..why tell the world of my craziness. here goes. during this time of being silent..we have all been very sick. zekes been in the hospital..we have lost our lease on our home..noah has had hallucinations from the tamiflu, my mom became horribly ill,our washer died, our cat needs a new home, the other was a bigger pain than normal and i had to endure a counseling session with him.chris drives 2 hrs for work a day..
   ok so zeke is healthy and talking alot more, we have a new home guaranteed to be ours for the next 3 years that was a complete and total God thing..noah will heal,we got a new improved washer, my mom being sick brought my sister and i closer,and the other is giving up his rights for T to adopt the boys.
   I'm sure Noah wasn't completely silent while on the smelly ark. and i betcha Mary had some words for God in taking her son.and we all know about Job...i have not been forsaken. my silence has been heard and most definitely answered. sometimes its just what it is.. nothing more nothing less. but its all for the good . and it is all good.all God. all the time. so i may have to take a moment hear and there and just listen to the silence to hear my hear his words and become strong again. but, man this life is so do good .

"Humble yourselves,therefore,under Gods mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7