Wednesday, December 21, 2011

oh what a year.

three boys equal a whole lotta noise...laundry muddy shoes and hugs.  the boys have sure kept us busy lately.  Noah...our busy boy our entertainer. well, he recently woke up s a dragon..i go into his room each morning never knowing what to expect...and there he was in his crib wearing his halloween dragon costume headpiece...oh my. he rolled over and growled. man are we aver gonna be in trouble with that one!! Zekey poo...well he is showing his colors more everyday. he is loving having found feet. he runs  everywhere!! he puts his arms behind him as he runs and flaps them!! he also loves to bonk his daddy on the head and giggles wildly!!! Elijah...well, he is learning so much.  we have decided that he needs chores responsibility. So he is emptying the dishwasher..not doing to bad!  the other night while i was tucking him in he told me that he likes going to sleep because he dreams, and dreaming is like watching tv in his head. funny boy.
all the boys are growing so fast in their faith. Our church team is amazing. i love hearing how they know that its JESUS birthday.. Elijah has great memory for the BIBLE stories he is learning. it amazes me. he struggles so in school but, has such a heart for SAMSON and JOSEPH. it makes me so proud. i can see GOD flowing in there hearts.

T and I have been blessed. what has been a rough and stressful year is coming to an end.  our love is strong...our FAITH is mighty. we have vowed to GOD to be here for each other forever...and whats we are gonna do it. we have been slammed in the face many times this year and we keep moving. the stress at times unbearable. Gods mercy has held us though. We both have new jobs and are working harder than ever to provide stability love and fun  :) for our boys.
We have a busy year ahead, more surgeries for Zeke, elijahs tests results, and taming Noah.  im sure we will meet some struggles. with each other our faith and families we Will persevere. i hope your year is as blessed as ours has been. God bless you and keep you and may your house be built on the rock...

Thursday, December 15, 2011


so recently a friend wrote about screwing up..being a schmuck. well, I'm pretty sure we have all been there . right?! right.  so whats the point of being a schmuck? ya gotta fix yourself. fix whatever ailment of schmuckiness it is that keeps drawing you back. we all make decisions that are not for the betterment of ourselves and others. make the most out of the decisions you made...bad marriage..evil little tongue that flaps away at others..or just overall bull headed stubbornness. cause the truth is we are all humans and we all are walking this earth learning to be the best person we can be. get over yourself, get on with your life. say I'm sorry ..hug it out, ask for forgiveness. AND REALLY MEAN IT. apologies go a very long way in this busy world we have wrapped ourselves up into. love the ones who love you, get over the ones who don't, and pray for all of the above!

Monday, December 12, 2011

pins and needles and a little thing called nuerofibromitosis

ok so we have all had stress ...some a little some alot... personally i think it sucks.. so immediately after my last post T called me and he had been laid off. REALLY!!! who does that right before the holiday...grr. But, we stayed stead fast in Gods word and he got a new job and a raise. AMEN. God id funny though... ha! his job is in pryor..funny man that God is. We will be a little more specific in our job prayers from now on.  :)
Elijah has gone through some issues this last month that have made us make some tough decisions.. E has sensory processing disorder and a slew of things that go with it. so he is my tender hearted one. he has a hard time separating from me and is developmentally lagging...alot. we have a great team in place to help him to be the best at life that he can be. socially some things are different for him. friends are tough to keep when your heart breaks easily. He does very well with younger children and is MIGHTY  protective of his PEOPLE. (ME)(T) and bubbies...
When Elijah was 1 month old we noticed some birth marks that are a sign of nurofibromitosis (SP). it causes learning delays, blindness , deafness, and tumors that grow on nerve endings. its awful.truly a horrible horrible thing.. we have always know of the genetic test we can do to find out for sure if he has it...but, my heart wasn't ready . not that its ready now...we just need answers. i need to help my baby, i need to plan for what may be in store. my God is awesome and he is holding my heart and making me breath .i pick up the paper work tomorrow and we will go test. it will take several weeks to find out the results.  it will be a long few weeks. if you will hold us in prayer..

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


i hate it when the words come so late...but, here they are. so here iam.  have you ever been humbled? jeez lois this past few years i have.  i have been through some things that realy i thought only happened on lifetime movies. really. it at times even makes me shake my head in wonderment! chris lost/ got laid off from his job monday. crap. craptastic. crapola. CRAP. 3 kids no job...oh my. i had just written about faith and blah blah blah, and he called to tell me about being laid off. man alive i tell ya what. i cried briefly...elijah caught me. so right then and there i knew no more. i had to toughen up. Im the example they will go by. if i fear so will i put on my game face and trudged on. kinda.  i told T i loved him ,,,very much and prayed. asked for prayer and prayed some more..then i wonder ok...whats next. this is where the humble bit plays. i had to think long term...all the what ifs. now i know Gods not gonna let us starve and be without shelter..but, im not dumb either..he gave me a we began looking at all the resources we might need. so you know that at least 15 out of 100 people use food pantries to fill gaps in income... do you know that right now there are families that both have jobs but, there wages are so low that they have to have assistance in feeding there families.  if you don't know this...THEN WAKE THE HECK UP AND TAKE OFF YOUR DARN BLINDERS. the world ain't so pretty right now.  and guess what..not just one president caused this
ok so im off my soap box.
we have had people donate to Zeke for the bake sale...some angels gave us tickets to the Christmas Train...C&E...we love you...we had friends give us hundreds ..yes hundreds of $ to help us with whatever we needed.theses friends< they were /are in a storm of their own!! .  the list is huge...really huge. i wish i could repay them all in some form...i will someday..and its not just the donations...its the friendship and love that is unreal..sometimes you look at your life and wonder where your friends are...well, its hard to see them ...cause they are the ones holding you up.
chris went to school tonight and found out he has a job!! PTL! AMEN. so we start another new chapter tomorrow..hang on folks this is gonna be fun!!!

Monday, November 28, 2011


have you ever woke up and felt Gods hand on you? peace in your heart?  I have.. only a handful of times.. i know he is ever present...but, i have had a few God moments. one was in the drive thru..i know...his timing is weird. we had been to the dr and were expected to lose Zeke... and God told me he would be ok.
we had a little rattle,a hitch in our giddup last week. it was actually a huge bump... something that the court had ordered ( I cant go into full detail...privacy for a certain someone) had gone in our favor...big time. but, in the end of the good thing someone recommended something that would destroy and possible put the boys in harms way. I was floored at how this person could say how unhealthy  a person is yet open the doors to the possibility to allowing them to harm kids.. the devil was busy that day. my head was spinning...i couldn't even  cry... i was on the verge so many times. i just kept imagining what this was going to do to E and N. now what.
well, here is what. GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD. i prayed prayed and prayed some more. im a total control when control is taken away i  panic.. why do i do this to myself?? im such a dork. i forget that Gods got this i forget that he has the plan already written out.. i just need to endure and listen...cause who else made the stars and calls them by their name!?
i keep being thrown these curve balls. im not to sure why yet. i can feel my FAITh growing  stretching pulling and being moved in more ways than i can handle at times. but, the really cool thing is the one who is stretching me to the point of breaking  at also holding me. molding me and making me a better me. and he is my best cheerleader in life...he tells me keep running ..keep going cause when your feet fail you...I NEVER WILL.

EXODUS 33:14


Sunday, November 20, 2011

a fast weekend...

so its not so often we get just to just sit and be...i often wonder what God would say to me?????... I know we are supposed to be still and know. how do those who are still get to be still?? raising monkeys is a tough job. a great job. a blessing.but, a very very all consuming job. then you throw in work, church ,school, army duties, and home duties.  we were at our couples class at church friday night and T said a way that he would feel loved would to be given time to just "be".  I didn't make sense to me...i have pretty much given up on thoughts of me just is not in the cards for me right selfish of me to forget that just because i don't need it he doesn't. he works goes to school and armies  :) i after laughing ..alot...about this. now feel bad. i forgot that he to needs alone how in the world will i remedy this..i have yet to figure it out..maybe take the monkeys to the store with me...that's at least 2 hrs..gonna try it..he needs it. he deserves it. not many go from single to 3 kids in 2 years! wow he is brave.

on Saturday we took the day off ( kinda i was in a parade that am)  and stilly.  what fun. Elijah was stoked. he thought we were going to branson. poor kid needs a vacation just as bad as we do.  we had some good grub at Bad Brads bbq, showed the boys the football field and the campus. showed them Ts old apartment and work  and boomer lake, went to see Miss Katie!!! we love some yummy coffee. i think Elijahs highlight was going to the laundry mat to do a breathing treatment. lol yup we did.. gotta do what ya gotta do.

church was was about stop being a brat ! ha funny.Pastor Toby even flopped around in the floor as a demo..a bit safer than riding the bike around the people...and dunking his head in the baptistery.. something i really didn't think we would discuss at Church..but, we all really need to grow up and man up don't we.  we preach at our kids to stop whining..yet when we are given something we flop around and say i me???

it was a good weekend it went to fast and I'm not looking forward to our little/big family being spread from here to there this week. i really like all my baby birds being in one spot. daddy bird too. we have alot to be thankful for and I'm going to find some time to be still even if its just 5 minutes. i think i can i think i can..

blessings to you.

Galatians 1:10
am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I  trying to please the people? If I were still trying to please people I would not be a servant of Christ.

Friday, November 18, 2011

court and x and a couple of boys....

all week i have ran tittles in my head..what to share what not to share..whats to much? whats to little..who will read this? will they tell things on me? will they think I'm foolish? so tonight I'm sitting hear full of thoughts and overwhelmed by all the words i need to say. writing this is a form of therapy of sorts for me.
we have had and insane week . 3 sick boyz, a daddy working and going to school , a mommy ran here and there and everywhere..only to begin again monday.

to begin, we had court. I'm just going to tell it like it is. its ugly, but, honest. if you don't believe me i invite you to get the docket info. i implore you to come to court, you can go over the multitude of emails i deal with sometimes over and over and over in a day. it can be all consuming.  i agreed kinda to allowing him to pay me when he receives an EOB ( estimate of benefits) from insurance. well the developmental pediatrician we use has some expenses that are not covered by insurance. so that man i was married to doesn't want to pay those expenses...until he gets an eob. there will never be an eob. nice. !@#%!$@!   he also doesn't like the dev. ped. therapist...E loves her..trusts her and is slowly making eye contact and talks with her...tells her his past..and his now...little bits at a time. he goes in by himself...its tough..he worries and frets without me. we are learning to separate slowly..but, his anxiety over this is hard. and heartbreaking. every mom wants her babies to soar..find life and friends and always know they are safe to roam. Because of the life i chose for us for so long my baby bird is a scared baby, a worrier...and my fierce protector.IF YOU ARE IN A BAD abusive or turbulent  RELATIONSHIP ...DO NOT FOR ONE MINUTE THINK YOUR CHILD IS SMALL AND IT WONT HAVE AN AFFECT ON THEM. IT WILL. IT WILL.
the (x) wanted her fired...she called him out...he said she didn't communicate with him..she has..i have paid the majority of that bill..and will pay the rest on monday. she told him to make an appointment to go over things..he didn't..she told him to bring toys that were on e and n level..he didn't ..he lied about what he brought to play with...she said he was a liar..and she says how do  you council a liar?  he wanted her fired!!!!!!!!! he didn't care that she has helped elijah...he didn't care that she got e to say hi and look her in the eye..he didn't care that e will give a hug..most of the time and not just look at you and lean his head into you.
so Elijah has his warrior...
we have asked for him to pay my legal fees..since the majority of hearing have been for non payment of this and that...we find out next week. please God...please...
we for once have no upcoming court date...but, as i sit here i know...he will not pay these dr. bills and court will come...i will not give up. i will hold him accountable forever. he has a responsibility...the boys have the right to go to the dr. they have the right to not ever do without. he must take care of them or walkaway all together..we all have choices. man up.
ok so i shared my week.... to much? if i seem out of it this week..this is where my head has been..worried that the boys will not be safe..will not be here for me to comfort..will not be here in the mornings for me to tell them i love them more than tell them I'm sorry that i chose so poorly the first time. to apologize for thinking i could fix him..thinking that i could keep them safe and that i could do  it all be their all..i hate that my choosing him will at some point hurt them even more...i wish i could fix it. for now i will fight like hell and protect them the only way i know how...I WILL FIGHT TILL I DIE.

but if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

the imperfect christian

THE IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: lives in my home, wears my shoes,has blond hair, AND  cant spell for crap. and strives to be perfect. THE IMPERFECT CHRISTIAN: sometimes skips out on church..never sits on the front row at church, sits on the front row always, has been known to cuss, burn diner and sometimes have a beer, loves to dance when no one is watching, dances for all to see,preaches at church, leads the choir and teaches sunday school. had a baby in high school, had a baby out of wedlock, gave her baby's up for adoption, is a recovering addict, is an addict, works to much, refuses to work, is poor and on the streets, owns a mansion, gives all their money to charity, never gives to charity,puts off what they can do today, never went to college, has many degrees, dropped out of high school,wants to be a dad, wants to be a mom, cant have babies, forgets birthdays, drives to fast, drives to slow, loves music, rap included,wishes on stars, forgot what is is to dream, married because they asked,married their VERY VERY best friend, loves without restraint, loves with caution,has never loved,wants more, wants less, GETS MAD AT GOD,finds it hard to forgive,holds a grudge,plays on the computer to much,drives while texting,has to many friends, has no friends,

Friday, November 4, 2011

the incredible sale of baked goods!!!!

  1. ok so can you say i love me some lemon bars,whoopie pies and cookies!!! and dont forget Tammy's,Allison,Amara,Sharon's, Stephs,the cake queen,nekia,and Kathy's buddy... oh so yummies!!I KNOW I'M FORGETTING SOMEONE...SO  PLEASE KNOW THANK YOU ALL!! i walk into to the church and Tisha is sitting there surrounded by all sorts of donated bake goods!!!! people who i have NEVER met  donated and loved Zeke... Lori from SWEET SINSATIONS tea room donated about 100 cake balls!!!!! our hearts were over flowing with love... its hard to imagine being in a place where you need help but, ant imagine asking.  our friends filled the gap...filled our cup and have made a way for us to not worry so much.  our trips are VERY EXPENSIVE. our medical is covered by insurance ..but neither one of us have sick or vacation time. the bills come in anyway. We have to pay for all of Chris's travel expenses he rarely can go with me. i need him with me...Zeke needs him. the people who donated have made it possible for Chris to go with me and Zeke..for his next trip... to our sweet friends Chris and Elisabeth who walked up at the end and said "we want to buy whats everything that's left." and we all just stood there dumbfounded...our hearts go out to you...we love and cherish you...  GOD BLESS YOU...

you live you learn and you move on

so i have been kinda flopping or wallering around a bit lately. im sad for things that are no longer and missing things that were. then it hits me...get over it. a friend said to me today that you cant cry to her cause she just doesnt get it... she is not mean... she has just been through it all.. really she has. so get over it. its funny how we miss the things and people we had..(.some of the people) miss your past and the memories of it. its been a weird few years, beacause its been the hardest...damn hardest few years ever in my entire flipping life.and i know my story gets old and my rants are the same...and i know the complaints are the same. BUT its the walk im walking and the day im living. so my friend helped me today and she doesnt even know it! so im gonna suck it up move on. i will no longer go to the ones who hurt me only to continuelly be rejected..i have learned.& lived. these things were a wonderful chapter in my life..wonderful . but, thats just it. that chapter is done... and you dont continuelly read those chapters over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and my point? so im letting go..moving on and i will cherish all of my memories they are a part of who iam smart friend has also said to me... look out your front windshield its huge and has everything you need...dont look in the rearview mirror its small because why look behind you when you have the beautiful new world in front of im moving on not in anger ..not in hast. gratful for what it was and the time it was.. we all grow we all change and it doesnt mean that you have not held a place in my heart. i have many wishes and a few what ifs.
its just now i know what to do... .letting go and moving on.. " A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure. " Sirach 6:14

Saturday, October 29, 2011

bake sale and dripping eyes

so tonight I'm sitting here with drippy friends are hosting a bake sale for Zeke. its really overwhelming. i don't know how I'm gonna get through it. i never thought i would be in this place. i never thought i would not be able to do everything my child breaks my heart. i guess in ways i need to be realistic..this is not a normal situation..not just needing new shoes.. its pretty much gonna be a 2 million $ smile!!! yup, that's what we are told!!!! i need some prayers to get through tomorrow if you strength is low today. I'm kinda tender when it comes to my babies. Zeke is doing great. We leave tuesday for Chi town that went fast. its post op check up time. and they should give us his next  team meeting date. followed by surgery date. sorry for not posting much tis week..I'm kinda whooped this week.. night friends..i will post pics and stories

Monday, October 24, 2011

foundation HELP!!!

ok friends...i have some seriously educated contacts. i know all your life you have been waiting to use that well paid for brain to do something GRAND!!!!!!! I WANT TO START A FOUNDATION/CHARITY  to help families with babies like ours. i have made a few contacts and have some help in doing this...please help me. i have never done anything like this. lets do this...lets help others. contact me lets get a meeting going to brainstorm. i know your busy..i really know. give me 1 hour of your time. there are many many zekes out there!!! Gods got us in this....he is leading me, leading my heart. GO TEAM!!!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

4 moms in 1 week....

its easy to feel alone in all of this....its easy to think why my baby....its also easy to get mad,sad, and want to scream and be selfish and say haven't i had enough????. But, really what is enough? how can we think enough is enough.  tonight i was researching zekes always makes me sad to see all the pics of the boys and girls that have the SAME thing as Z. so clearly by looking at the pics i should be aware that we are not alone. and also by all the friends and family that are lining up to hold us during all of this are even more proof that we are not alone. but it stills feel pretty hard doing this. it still feels overwhelming looking at travel dates and expecting new dates. i try not to get ahead of myself in all of this but sometimes i feel like the toy in the bathtub circling the drain....round and round and round.
    but, this week i had a reality check. in my 3 days of work i saw 4 mommies with profound baby issues...amazing. one mommies baby has had almost as many surgeries as i have fingers...and very soon will have more surgeries than i have fingers to count on...he eats by a feeding tube and his body just doesn't give him any breaks. yet, she never ever complains and ALWAYS smiles and even giggles about her boy and his spunkyness..another mommy has a beautiful little girl that just came to early...and life has just challenged them at every crossing...her baby will always need her help..yet, she is brave and searches out the Best treatments for her angel...she also never complains. my buddy who comes from way across the state just to see me has a baby just like Z....she takes pictures every moment of her sweet patient baby girl..she dresses her in all the frilly girl stuff a mom can find..and if you cross her about her baby it. seriously watch it! then there is the grandma raising not only one but two autistic grand babies...with very very very little finances...He does the best EVERY day for her grands...and wouldn't change them for a minute..she says" they are who they are..and who says that's not what normal is." and for my beautiful friend who can no longer hold her baby ...only in her dreams does she still smell her..hear her giggle..and touch her I'm sorry for being selfish in my grief for pain will never compare to the ache you feel every moment of the day...I'm truly sorry...

      one of the hardest parts in this has been people saying its just "cosmetic" BULL CRAP. sorry. really??? did you not go to school? did you not see how mean kids are...even if you just wore the wrong style of shoe...imagine a kid who talks a little off...who can shoot milk out there nose at the lunch table..a kid who may not have any teeth...a big scare that for some reason that just didn't heal right...or may even have to wear hearing aids because the cleft affects that. so please whatever you do don't tell me its the way there are cleft babies that have many genetic disorders as well...that cause a whole gamut of please dint say cosmetic around me...
              maybe in all of this i will start the cleft pallet group that my family  needed that will help families and kids like us . to give us a group of people just like us. a group that is not sponsored by a plastic surgeon...looking for a dime. maybe in all of this we will find a way to help other families.
         we have been blessed to have MANY MANY  people realise what a financial strain this 2 people with no vacation or sick pay take off multiple times a, bottles that are $80.00 for only 2 bottles. these friends  are filling the gaps and carrying us..praying for us and loving Zeke and our big boys. what about the other families that are out there doing this alone.. it breaks my heart.
         i don't have a neat and tidy way to end this post...most days i know we will be ok. most days I'm very strong. and for the most part we are resilient. and keep on swimming just like DORY...but just for tonight I'm sad.mad and a little overwhelmed.but, greatful to have my perfectly imperfect little boy..

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

the devils playground

so we all are given tests and trials. everyday we face something. whether it be passing a test at school, driving without cussing, or just working on being a better spouse or mom. a sermon that Pastor Toby gave awhile back made me think. he spoke about how the DEVIL is ever present in our lives. his sermon has been about the good life..we all are on the lookout for it..we all want it. do we realize that the devil comes with that?  the closer we are in spirit with God the more the devil pulls on our hearts. and man is he sneaky!!!!! as with any relationship when there is good there is bad.                                     
    recently T and i have been pushed and pulled..stretched beyond what we can take. by ourselves. first there were no funds for our heart doubted...then there was no place for us to stay..again i doubted...then a huge bill came in..we paid it..then another we paid it...then a last one. I OPTED TO WAIT UNTIL WE GOT HOME. we got home from chi town only to be back in the hospital. i still waited. holding on to our money so that i felt SAFE.i didn't  TRUST.. they shut our gas off. reality.hit straight in the face. well, maybe it was the cold shower. man is that humbling. we paid it. then the man came to turn it back on. it was a man I STRONGLY DISLIKE.( in the past he had said very ugly and hurtful things to me) a friend of the X. craptastic. and now we have the gas back on yay..then while we were in chi town my x sends a letter via attorney about custody issues..more...chris begins having car issues..then i find out my health insurance is cancelled.. the hardest is T and I have a disagreement...we never fight...we just don't..and then we did...then while at WORK HE LOSES HIS WEDDING heart is broke. it was a complete and total accident.his heart was broke...with all that's going on that was my wake up. THE DEVIL IS HAVING A HAY DAY WITH US!!!
        so we talked about this playground we have given satan to play in...and last night we locked him out...he is no longer allowed in our good life.. yes we know he will keep stopping by. it just wont take us so long next time to realise whats going the devil working on you? causing chaos at home, work, church, in your relationship with GOD. cast him out shut his scheming ways out.YOU HOLD THAT POWER.. set your Armour out the night before. suit up. i guarantee you that he is peering into your life and trying to fit into the gaps...fill those gaps with the glue of the brave and above all dont forget to trust and never doubt the power of our lord.

" For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this worlds, against spiritual wickedness in high places. wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day. "

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Faith, Insecurities and unfortunatly perfection.

life has an uncanny way of throwing curve balls at can rock you to the core at times. unfortunately for me and those around me I'm a perfectionist. this means i expect it of me and those i let be around me. i can be incredibly hard on myself for mistakes and when i put my trust in hurts so much when your humanness lets me down. i think in many ways its my insecurities in myself that makes me this way. i got myself into a few bad relationships and allowed them to hurt me and my brain. i listened to them and got to where i believed that i was nothing..nothing more than just some girl that was LUCKY to HAVE THEM..IN THAT WAS BORN MY SELF DISLIKE AND DOUBT IN MYSELF. i have spent many years repairing and rebuilding me. i have to. i have three boys that need to be man of God..good men kind men..loving man...and have the ability to love kindly unselfishly and know how to clean a kitchen and wash there own clothes its funny though how insecurities still flow like a river at work so hard to keep going and like a tide they roll in and roll in again..                                                                                                                                                                  
    this is where my FAITH comes in.i had gone through a horrible day and was lost in that days events. i had been so busy taking care of trying to make things ok that i FORGOT to pray!!! and at the end of the crazy horrible day i apologized to GOD ..I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO HIM INSTEAD OF LEANING OF MYSELF AND TRyING TO fix things..i should have given it all to him. something cool that i have learned is all to often we place our FAITH in humans. man that's a big flipping mistake. they will somehow some human way let you down. whether it be your boss, mom, dad, sister spouse, and yes even your pastor. they are all wearing the skin of man. its a scaly, rough and at times to thin or to my point is this. forget perfection forget  the insecurities that you have..ya right. but at least try.I'm going to put my faith back in its place. the humans around me back into their spot and PRAY A LITTLE MORE.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

comment and questions!

i believe i have fixed the problem..lemme know!


so lately i have been asked why blog? well...hmm i dunno. i have these random thoughts that wonder around my soupy brain and i need to vent. so you guys get to hear my random ramblings...and laugh at my inability to spell or punctuate. and the best part. i don't care... well< i do care..but, not enough to worry about my HORRIBLE writing skills. i only use capitalization on things that as i type they pop out in my head. and i often tell my stories in circles...sorry have fun chasing my words. lol!
        so today's challenge was simply...not crying. i know re darn diculous! my emotions are not in control at all. i have so much that I'm thinking about with Zeke, upcoming court crap, and how to be a mom,wife, daughter,hairdresser, food cooker,butt wiper,booger picker,laundry doer and me. as a mom we often get lost in all of the titles we hold. there are many hats worn by this chic. good thing i like hats!! chris is in school,army and works a full time job. so our time together is little..and usually involves moving babies from here to there. so finding the time to blog is a luxury and something i enjoy..something that helps me to remember me..a me
  HANG ON...HERE IS ONE OF THOSE CHANGE UPS...    i have learned alot in the past few years. things rarely stay the same. so if your in a big steamy pile o poo..wait it out. its going to change. really it will. sometimes it changes for the golden pile of poo and sometimes it changes into what you needed it to be. put on your gas mask wade through it and go on. simple to say i know. but, trust me i really know. it will improve. and if it doesn't improve reevaluate your positon and MOVE THE HECK OUT OF THE Area. there is nothing that says you have to live like that. wow that's the randomness i was talking about..i think sometimes we think in STATUS thoughts lol!                                                                     
   what are you wading in? are you ok?? so you want more than just a few stolen mommy moments?so i have a friend who blogs and people ask her any for me? my email is now if your rude and horrible I WILL BLOCK YOU AND LOCK THIS PUPPY UP. i have no time for drama. so lets play! ask away!!or even leave it in the comment section...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


we are home. three very simple words. much like I LOVE YOU.  its been a good week. a hard week. a hungry thirsty i rode the L and survived taxi drivers week. chicago is an amazing place. full of tall buildings navy piers and clowns. really... clowns. they all live at the Shriners hospital though... and they completly freak zeke out.                                                                                                           Zeke began running a fever saturday. it could have been earlier but we had him on tylenol and motrin all the time. so we didn't know. we needed a temp reader ...and the mcdonald house didn't have any. so we took a taxi for $ 8.50 and bought a $4.00 thermometer. and yes he was cooking.. 101.5. yuck. i wanted to cuss.alot. fever a few days after surgery is not my favorite thing! he wouldn't drink or eat. well sorta. he did have ice cream for diner!!! and i even gave him chocolate ensure ..just to feed him. we wanted home. we wanted our drs. we flew in as scheduled. BUT!!!!! we made sure with dr. sood that we should. no we did not put him in jeopardy.  we went to the ER and were immediately admitted. within a few hours of having an i.v. zeke was a little better 12 hrs and he was back to 50%. its amazing what pain meds and a little fluid will do for a baby!! we have learned the the zekester...unfortunately is not a lover o pain. duh.  i had asked that the dr and nurses at shriners to stay ahead of his pain.  they ask you whats one thing you worry about. mine was his pain. next time i will not ask i will demand it. respectfully.
       the big boys did great while we were gone...nawney and poppys house is like going to disney land. NOAH IS ALMOST POTTY TRAINED. he may not have any teeth left afterwards. candy has done the trick!! woot woot!! he is squeaking out the tiniest drops for a bite of candy...oh my...elijah worked fiercely on his reading skills. a scrabble game has done the trick for him go nawney!
       many lessons were leaned this week. no you cant blog when you only have one hand to type with.demand the care your child deserves. sleep when the baby sleeps. pack h2o with you, and a gun. taxi drivers and L must be taken with seriousness.  ;)   we have learned that our God rocks. our friends and family amaze us!!! they have fed us watched our kids prayed constantly and are creating a zeke fund so we dont have to panic just because we have to take care of the great zeke!!!    we are home. the chaos is grand and I LOVE MY PILLOW!!!!!! NIGHT ALL LOVE TO YOU AND THANKS FOR THE PRAYERS!!!! GOD BLESS YOU!     

Thursday, October 6, 2011


OK so Zeke is now in Surgery. They gave him goofy juice..wish he would share. We asked God to be his surgeon. ..we know he will. Jen and Liv came and stayed with us until and after they took him. He has a great fan club here. The no hunger prayers worked wonderfully! He only signed more after his goofy juice. LOL!!! We are all amazed by his courage and strength. Chris picked out his cast! One orange one black...go pokes! They will stitch his tongue outside his helps with breathing. They say he will have swelling. Last time he looked like a we expect it. Chris is strong and said a beautiful prayer over him..I tried and sounded like Minnie mouse praying. Bleh. ..its already been such a long day. We met a girl and her mom from the Chicago area. Their daughter has spina bifida (sp ). Their testimony was amazing..they thought she would be paralyzed yet she walks...she is a swimmer! We talked of the fact that these kids that have difficulties are true warriors!we said our goodbyes. Then about 20 minutes later she found us and wanted to buy our diner!!!! We didn't let her...we ask that she donate it to the Shriners. ...we are blessed each time we are here by the people we meet. The kindness from strangers is overwhelming. I will update and post pics as I can. The song I hear now still and know I'm here. I'm listening. .praying and hanging on to my God.


Words fail.God never does. I'm listening to DMX. Lord show me a sign. That man was a poet. No weapon formed against me shall prosper...T found this and made me listen. The devil is at our gate again. Many of you know of my former...he raises up ever so often. Lately its when I'm weak...and taking care of send..I received an email yesterday from my attorney. He is at it again. I refuse to allow him into my brain. I'm an roots run deep and bark is worn but, makes me impenetrable. My branches carry the leaves, my friends who cover me...I reach straight up to heaven and grow to his glory. So bring your storm...I have my army and armour ready. My God is BIG! My faith is steady... if God is for me nothing nothing can stand against me!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

angels and airplanes

So we have arrived. I have written a thousand blogs in my head now..but lucky you this is the one you get tday. Upoun getting to the airport my nerves set in. Horribly. Then I see the smallest danger plane get to the gate. S@*#. We are sitting and waiting when in front of us sits a dapper pilot. Then I look at his cheesy grin. Its Mike Andreoli!!! One of my very very best friends....he is riding on our plane to go to Dulles to go to work....he would deny this but he was an angel yesterday. .he calmed my worried nerves...God sends us just what we need. Then our ticket man had a cleft!! He was a patient of Shriners in Galveston! We were amazed. He spoke to us about what a great life he has now...keyword now. Growing up was horrible he said children were awful. I know what to start praying for now. Zeke is awake now...we are going for preop at ten. The tears are still flowing. ..I wonder who our angel will be today..Thanks for all the texts and prayers it really and miss you all. Elijah and noey, mommy loves you. Remember look at the stars..God made them just for us and he even calls them by name. Love and kisses.

Monday, October 3, 2011

a mothers prayer

while packing tonight i kept touching the boys clothes. i can tell you where we were each time they wore there outfit for the first time. I'm odd like that. i love to put my nose in their neck and smell them. you know, that sweet little boy smell. its a cross between outside air, & cupcakes mixed with a little mud. i love their little hands. when we are walking and they gently slide their hand into mine. or when they are playing and they spontaneously say MOM I LOVE YOU!! nothing gets better than that. i want to see them marry..go to BAPTISED...and learn to read. i wanna be a grandma. i want to shower those babies with unconditional love. i was packing Zekes clothes. it was hard. awful and gut wrenching. I've seen a friend loose a child. i cant. i simply cant. i don't think that there would be enough air to breath..enough light to see or enough of my God to heal me. so this is my prayer. dont let this be the last time i carry him out of our home. let him grow old fall in love and have little red headed babies. please God let us bring him home. amen

Sunday, October 2, 2011

3boyz and a little dedication

as parent we assume many roles... snot wiper ..lunch packer..clothes picker outer..hand holder..heart mender..guidance counselor..and word of God  filler upper!today chris and i took a big step. one of the biggest a parent can do. we promised before man and God to teach our children about God and his right hand man. my knees shook. I'm not sure if it was being on the stage or if it was the fact that this is not like promising pizza for diner. Elijah seemed to understand. he was impressed with his BIBLE and tore the wrapper off like it was a hot wheel car. the audience agreed in prayer for the boys and it made me sob.  our family surrounded us and our pastors lead a prayer that I'm still hearing in my head. its all overwhelming to sit in a church and know that we are all there for the same reason. much like going to a maroon 5 concert! i look around and see people all singing Gods praise and my heart is happy. i cant imagine what God hears on sundays.. i bet he wishes he could hear all that praise 7 days a week. this week our journey begins. we begin anew. i hope you all have a blessed week. my prayer for you is that you feel just as we did today..filled with love and filled with Gods grace. 

He said to them" Because of your little faith. for truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, move from here to there,' and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you."

now go move mountains. were gonna...starting with 3boyz.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

waffles VS speghetti and other notions

its been a week....not a bad week just a BUSY week. I'm learning so many new things about myself , our marriage,my children and my faith. ...with moving to the new salon so many things are happening. i can see GOD in all of it . from the atmosphere to the happiness that beams through the people. i was working on a client,  this is the 2nd time that i have done her hair. we were talking marriage {she is getting married next week} and kids. we exchanged backgrounds hers was short...mine well, not so much. i explained E's special needs and we talked about wild man noah and then about zeke. she said i was sooo strong. i get that alot. I'm not.not at all. at all. we are given things in life, in those things we can decide to waller in the pain , or rise.i choose to  rise to the opportunity to make a wonderful life for some wonderful boys. its really not strength. its just being a mom.  so new girl  :) thank you for your helps but, i still cry, occasionally get really mad  at God {yes,you can do that}and can be a grumpalotopuss.
marriage, we are doing a study group at church its about how mens brains are like waffles and women's a bowl of spaghetti. MAN IS IT SO STINKING TRUE! man have these little pockets in there brain for each thing and part of their life. EVEN A REST POCKET. NO FAIR! our poor brains are jumbly pile o noodles..and i agree. all of our life is one big pot of do all, be all ,mess. no wonder we all need medications  ;)   it really explains alot! we multi task men do not..and yes when they are gazing at the tube ..there is really not a thing roaming in their head. and no they are not mad.
FAITH: I'm not a New believer.. just a better one. i have always believed and always loved God. i just ignored him. it at the time was my selfishness and a way i thought i could survive. i prayed..alot..but, it was a selfish prayer me me.  i i i i. now don't get me wrong  I COVER MY FAMILY IN PRAYER EVERYDAY ALL DAY.  but, i now pray for others , our leaders, doctors and teachers. i pray every year that the boys have spirit filled God fearing teachers. so far so good.   have you ever been lead to pray for and with someone you barely know? i never had until the other day. we had a sales rep at the shop she was in my room and got a call that her son had collapsed and was on his way to st. johns. she was shook. i grabbed her hand and prayed hard. i was in shock. i wasn't wordless and had Gods words flowing through me. it was AWESOME!!!! i suggest you try it..
also this was brought up at our couples class. WHEN ITS THE VERY HARDEST TO LOVE YOUR SPOUSE. LOOK AT THEM AS THOUGH YOU ARE LOOKING AT THEM WITH GODS EYES.. GONNA GIVE THIS A TRY. and no I'm pretty sure its not as chris would say a mean mugging face...

waffles are not just for breakfast and speghetti is not always best at Zios

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

healing zeke

we have a trip to chicago coming soon. next week to be exact. Zeke had his outer facial Reconstruction  in february.. wow that was fun!! WE ARE BLESSED TO BE A SHRINER FAMILY. THEY HAVE COVERED HIS MEDICAL EXPENSES.. IF YOU NEED A CHARITY ..THATS A GOOD ONE! they are not just clowns with little cars. we stay at the RONALD MCDONALD HOUSE.. thats another amazing charity.. they feed us wash our clothes and wipe our tears. cant get better than that. Zeke will be having a part of his pallet closed next thursaday.. if you would pray for him and pray for Elijah and Noah and my parents who are taking care of them while we are gone. we would appreciate it.   i hope to keep you updated on his time allows..Gods mercy shines on those who look up and seek his words and live in his grace. seek him know him and be amazed by the rocks he moves in your life!!!!

my life in a moment or 2..

i have a great life a busy life a blessed life. my first born . well, sorta born. no he is not an alien.  he is a chosen child. i was lucky enough to get to adopt E. for many years i couldn't get pregnant. done with fertility and almost broke from it. i was left with enough finances to adopt or one more round of fertility drugs. ADOPTION was the only answer for me.  my beautiful brown baby was born and my mom and i were blessed to be in the room when he was born. Elijah is kind sweet and my protector and simply an amazing soul. he loves cars trains planes..and me. he adores his brothers and is protective..a gentle giant.
Noah is 3...that says alot! lol.Elijah had just entered preschool when we signed up for another adopted angel. we were going full steam when worn out  i said a prayer. please God let us get through this school year..and then we will be ready for a baby. on Elijah's last day of school they called...we were picked. they had a baby for us . OUR GOD ROCKS!!! WE WENT TO TEXAS AND HE WAS BORN MONDAY AND OURS WEDNESDAY. he is sweet and cocks his head and smirks when he is being 3.  he loves cookie cake (birthday cake)  and books.  he is smart beyond his 3 years. and cries if i cry. he will eat fruit and veggies over a cheeseburger anytime!!! Noah loves Elijah and Zeke and looks for them when they are gone..
the in between...
my life fell apart and then together again. my husband and i divorced. long story not fun..but God carried us and sent us his angel .
the new
i met Chris fell madly in and amazed what a real relationship of trust and unflappability is. he loved me..he loved my boys..he gave me Zeke. my heart is forever full..he lets me fuss..wear no makeup..and loves it when i do goofy things. he has saved us from a life of no Chris..we call him T he was sent to us...i know this..
NOW Zeke... a miracle< i think that God hears us always and knows our hearts. i wanted to be a mom. more than anything. he tested my will..taught me to have FAITH and i obeyed him and in return he gave us Zeke. AKA the Zekester.  i kept passing out..had funky heart stuff..and T said i was PG..i laughed. he bought 4 yes 4 tests.. i failed them or passed. anyway i was VERY pg. we were off to the Dr. and yes there was a bean growing in me..and a tumor. yup a nasty tumor. right inside my womb.. so Dr. Nilson expected us to loose  Z. i fell on my knees and prayed. then laid face down and begged Gods mercy over this sweet child. i spotted..i heart fluttered ... i prayed. then one saturday while sitting in line for a coney.. GOD spoke through me.."it will b fine" i had peace. my FATHER heard me.funny huh! coneys!!! he is everywhere.  fast forward. a rough pg later and a mid labor not doing so well mom and baby were rushed from labor and delivery to have a c-section.yuck. we were all giggles at how this baby was stuck and stubborn...out he comes. NO CRY NO WIMPER.  all is silent. i see a nurse on my left crying i look for T he is grey and silent..they go past me with dying inside.. the dr...begins to tell me of my see he has a bilateral cleft  pallet..we had missed it on every checkup...Dr. Nilson apologised a million times. i love him...i tell him its ok my son is alive and i love his perfect imperfectness. he is beauty..the real beauty. God crafted love our journey to heal my baby.

beginners luck!

ok so for starters i have never blogged about anything..but man alive do i have lots!!! i created this page so while we are in Chi town i can post whats going on with our beautiful sweet Zeke. we leave next tuesday afternoon and hopefully we will return on saturday..depending on Zekes healing time. if you will be patient with me i will tell ya all sorts of stories and fill you in on how the man upstairs has graced my life with 3 boyz...wild..loud and in love with dirt!so here we go!!!!!