all week i have ran tittles in my head..what to share what not to share..whats to much? whats to little..who will read this? will they tell things on me? will they think I'm foolish? so tonight I'm sitting hear full of thoughts and overwhelmed by all the words i need to say. writing this is a form of therapy of sorts for me.
we have had and insane week . 3 sick boyz, a daddy working and going to school , a mommy ran here and there and everywhere..only to begin again monday.
to begin, we had court. I'm just going to tell it like it is. its ugly, but, honest. if you don't believe me i invite you to get the docket info. i implore you to come to court, you can go over the multitude of emails i deal with sometimes over and over and over in a day. it can be all consuming. i agreed kinda to allowing him to pay me when he receives an EOB ( estimate of benefits) from insurance. well the developmental pediatrician we use has some expenses that are not covered by insurance. so that man i was married to doesn't want to pay those expenses...until he gets an eob. there will never be an eob. nice. !@#%!$@! he also doesn't like the dev. ped. therapist...E loves her..trusts her and is slowly making eye contact and talks with her...tells her his past..and his now...little bits at a time. he goes in by himself...its tough..he worries and frets without me. we are learning to separate slowly..but, his anxiety over this is hard. and heartbreaking. every mom wants her babies to soar..find life and friends and always know they are safe to roam. Because of the life i chose for us for so long my baby bird is a scared baby, a worrier...and my fierce protector.IF YOU ARE IN A BAD abusive or turbulent RELATIONSHIP ...DO NOT FOR ONE MINUTE THINK YOUR CHILD IS SMALL AND IT WONT HAVE AN AFFECT ON THEM. IT WILL. IT WILL.
THE JUDGE SAID NO!!!!!!! HALLELUJAH....AMEN AND SING JOYS TO OUR GOD!!! AMEN!!
so Elijah has his warrior...
we have asked for him to pay my legal fees..since the majority of hearing have been for non payment of this and that...we find out next week. please God...please...
we for once have no upcoming court date...but, as i sit here i know...he will not pay these dr. bills and court will come...i will not give up. i will hold him accountable forever. he has a responsibility...the boys have the right to go to the dr. they have the right to not ever do without. he must take care of them or walkaway all together..we all have choices. man up.
ok so i shared my week.... to much? probably..so if i seem out of it this week..this is where my head has been..worried that the boys will not be safe..will not be here for me to comfort..will not be here in the mornings for me to tell them i love them more than anything..to tell them I'm sorry that i chose so poorly the first time. to apologize for thinking i could fix him..thinking that i could keep them safe and that i could do it all be their all..i hate that my choosing him will at some point hurt them even more...i wish i could fix it. for now i will fight like hell and protect them the only way i know how...I WILL FIGHT TILL I DIE.
but if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.